I am Independent Goat

I was supposed to go to track tonight, but I didn't. Instead I went for a lovely run along the Charles River, and saw the sunset, and was back in my own house right around the time the track workout would have been starting. I didn't feel guilty about it either, since last week after a miserable track workout, my coach responded with, "I'm not going to lie and say I'm not happy you're not wanting to do this anymore..."  After I parsed the triple negative and realized she was in agreement with me, I felt relieved. Then I went to track again that same week because I like to learn a lesson, forget about said lesson, and then learn it again two days later. I'm glad I went to track that second time, but not because I enjoyed the track workout. In fact, that night I only stayed for 13 minutes before I left in tears, swearing I'd never go to track again. The reason I'm glad I went is because I experienced a moment that was a clear sign from the spirit of the universe, or God, or common sense or whatever else you want to call it. Here's what happened.

I saw a girl at track who I recognized from the Monday night group, who is running the Boston Marathon with another charity team. I asked her if she always comes to track twice per week, and she said yes. She goes to track Monday and Wednesday nights, and to the group long run with her charity team on Saturdays. Then she said that if it weren't for these scheduled events that have a social component built in, she would never get her runs in on her own.

HUH?!

Truthfully, this should not be shocking to me. I realize that that's why these groups exist. People like the social atmosphere. They like the accountability of a group. They like.... people. I think the ah-ha moment was when I realized that I am not one of these people. Suddenly the idea of driving 25 minutes to MIT to run a million laps on a 200 meter indoor track with other people seemed like a horrible idea. I love running by myself. It's my meditation time. After a track workout, I not only feel physically depleted, but I'm emotionally and mentally drained, and I stay like that all week unless I can have a few solid hours of downtime. This exhaustion has crept into my dating life ("haha! she thinks she has a dating life!"). The few dates I have gone on do not pass what I call "the laundry test". Meaning, would I rather be on this date, or would I rather be home doing laundry? Laundry has a strong winning record.

I've been slowly realizing that this social component is what is making me so exhausted this year. I love being a part of the Run For Research team, and I have had a lot of fun going to various fundraisers this year, and doing the group runs with my team, and going to road races with team members. And this is where it gets tricky, because I don't want to lose my group. I want to run with them, but also by myself. I want to go to fundraisers and be a part of the group, but I also really want to be home in my PJs watching old episodes of Ally McBeal on Netflix at 9:00 on Saturday night. (Gee, I don't know why I'm single.)

And then this past Thursday night, I saw a photograph taken by my teammate Lisa, and everything in my world made perfect sense. I don't have to chose between isolation and inundation. I can be an individual on a team. I can be a part of, but also be separate from. I am independent goat.

This is the image I kept in my mind as I ran along the Charles River tonight, racing the sunset, alone but not lonely. This is the image that I would not have seen had I not been a part of this group, and not made new friends that take amazing photos like this one. Call it spirit of the universe, or God, or common sense, but I am grateful for it.