The Before, The After, and the Right Now

I love before and after pictures, specifically the couch potato to athlete sort. Back when I was heavy and a chronic dieter, I would have a million "before" pictures. Some of these were done deliberately, like the night when I'd return home from joining Weight Watchers for the 27th time. I'd put on an unflattering outfit and give the camera my best blank stare. Other before shots were unintentional, like when I'd see a candid shot of myself at a party. I'd groan, then immediately decide that that would be the before shot they'd use in my before & after full page spread in whatever magazine. Eventually, as I continued to diet my way up the scale, my collection of before shots started looking pretty appealing as after shots. I always thought I was fat and disgusting, until I got even fatter and more disgusting. Needless to say, it was a pretty bad loop in which to be stuck.

Long story short, I lost weight and have the dramatic before & after pictures that I always coveted.

But here's the thing: there is no such thing as before & after. There is only the here & now. Am I glad that I have a healthy body here & now? You betcha. Do I look at pictures of myself today and decide that it looks more like a heavy before shot than a fit after shot? Absolutely. At the end of the day, though, it doesn't matter. I look like what I look like, right at this moment. I've been about 90 pounds heavier than I am right now, and I've been about 20 pounds lighter than I am right now. The number on the scale doesn't give me peace. The number on the scale doesn't even make me run faster. All that matters is that I can accept my body for what it is today. If I'm not physically capable of doing things that I would enjoy doing, then maybe it's time to make some changes. Serious health risks and physical limitations aside, our perception of our body image is usually more damaging than our actual weight problem. Perhaps our problem isn't our weight, or our height, or our teeth, or our thinning/greying hair, or any other physical flaw we focus on. Maybe the real problem is that we don't have enough compassion for ourselves to see ourselves as we are, and realize that's exactly how we're supposed to be.

With that in mind, I'm not making any New Years Resolutions. I did that for years and it only reinforced goals that I would never achieve. I wanted to wave the magic wand and have a thinner body, more money in my bank account, and the lifestyle that I envied of other people. I never did anything to make those things happen though. Sure, maybe for the first week of the year I'd save money and eat more healthy by bringing my lunch to work, but that never lasted. I was too focused on the result that I wanted changed, and when I didn't see progress happening before my very eyes, I decided it wasn't working so I went back to old behaviors. That doesn't make any sense, but many of us do it every January. My resolution on January 1st will be the same resolution I made today, and try to make every day: Be grateful for what I have, accept myself and others for who we are, and be willing to make necessary changes.