The Fallow Yellow

**Author's Note** This blog post is not indicative of my normal self, but I'm writing it anyway, because writing for me helps me get back to my normal self. I also like an accurate record of "what it was like to train" so when I'm 400 pounds and couch-bound (or finishing a 140.6 for that matter), I can look back and remember what it was really like, even during those times when I wasn't fueled by a post-race high. 

I still owe race reports for the Whaling City Triathlon-turned-Duathlon, and the Dam Triathlon. I likely won't ever write them, so here's a brief synopsis of each:

Whaling City Tri -- Swim was cancelled due to high bacteria, so they replaced the swim with a 1 mile run for a run/bike/run duathlon. I ran the mile, got on my bike, and got a flat tire about 2 miles in. I walked my bike back to transition and became a spectator instead. All good. I wasn't disappointed, but I was a little concerned that I wasn't more disappointed.

Dam Triathlon -- Loved this race. Bike had some tough hills, but a lot of great downhills. I walked my bike once. Ran out of nutrition on the bike but luckily had some waiting in T2. Run was ok. Tried to match pace with Jerome in a sprint finish -- he started like 20 minutes behind me, so caught up to me just as we were entering the finish chute -- but he blew right by me which just made me laugh and enjoy the finish even more. Got to see Ruthanne finish her first official triathlon, and got to do a tri with Connie for the first time this season.

Me, Jerome & Ruthanne

Liver Lovers! Connie, Megan & Me

Since then, I've felt like I'm hanging on to a cliff by my fingernails, slowly slipping and feeling it getting harder and harder to keep from falling. Forget about progress, I'm trying desperately to hang on to status quo and it's not working. Then I went on vacation -- had a lovely time -- and now my motivation is completely gone. I have been fighting this burnout for a long, long time, but haven't totally let myself relax. Instead, my idea of "relaxing" is signing up for sprint triathlons instead of 70.3 distance triathlons, or only swimming 5 days per week instead of biking and running too.

Speaking of 70.3... this coming weekend is Timberman weekend. I was signed up for the 70.3 again. My goal, when I originally signed up back in the fall was to do it again, but do it in a more sane manner. Last year I was in full "Timbermanic Depression", and this year, I wanted to train for it again without completely losing my shit. I pretty much lost my shit training for the Goofy challenge, and then managed to hang on by a thread for Boston. I'm not even sure when I decided I wasn't doing the 70.3. I think I knew it in my heart a long time ago, but didn't want to say it out loud for fear of disappointing others, specifically my friend Chris who planned to come out to do it with me, and my friend Isa who is also planning to do it. It turns out that Chris also wasn't feeling the 70.3 this year, so the decision not to do it was a relief for him as well. Isa is still doing it, along with an enormous posse from Long Island. For some reason, he is giving me way too much credit for him doing Timberman. I think his exact words were, "you got me to sign up" and "I'm in debt forever". I believe that I might have persuaded him to sign up -- but the rest is all him. So back to the disappointing others bit, I sort of feel guilty that I was a ra-ra girl, and now I'm sitting on the sidelines. I'm not only disappointing others, but I'm disappointing myself. I've changed my Timberman 70.3 registration to the sprint distance on Saturday, but even that feels insurmountable right now.

I have a race on the calendar or in mind for almost every weekend from now until the end of September, including a half marathon I said I'd run with my brother-in-law who is training for the NYC marathon. I'm sensing a pattern here, and part of that pattern is that I've sensed this pattern before. I thrive on isolation, so what is my compulsion to bring everyone else into my world at the same time I'm trying to tip-toe out of it? Maybe it's that I like the joy of racing, and I'm just looking for surrogates. Perhaps I feel that if I have some small role to play, which might only be the initial nudge to get them to sign up, then I can somehow take part in the victory.

I want to want to run again, and I want to want to do triathlons (next year, not the one I have coming up this weekend, or next weekend). I feel like the only way to get that back is to totally let go, but there is fear in that. I miss the Timbermanic Depression of a year ago because at least there were highs & lows and I could feel them. All I feel today is apathy. Maybe a triathlon will fix that....