MISSING: The Beath

Fake Police are investigating the disappearance of the unfamous blogger and wannabe endurance athlete who goes by the name, "The Beath." The Beath was last seen leaving the pool Wednesday morning, after swimming only 700 meters of a planned 2000 meter swim. An eye witness at the pool told Fake Police, "There was nothing remarkable about this woman leaving the pool at all. The only reason I remember her is because she said, 'F this S' as she got out of the pool, using the ladder on the side of the pool instead of hoisting herself out using the starting blocks which most real swimmers do. Anyway, I remember that being weird because she actually SAID the letters -- F this S. I was like, Who talks like that?"

Fake Police also visited The Beath's apartment building where they spoke to her downstairs neighbors. "I wouldn't have thought anything was wrong," said the Woman Who Lives Downstairs Who Drives A Civic, "But now that you mention it, she has been acting strange. The other night she started riding on her stationary bicycle in the living room -- which I know because I can hear everything through these thin walls, but then stopped after 16 minutes. I thought maybe her bicycle broke, but then she never came and knocked on my door asking for tools, which she has done before. I'm a 65 year old woman who has lived in his apartment for 30 years! Do I look like I have tools to fix a bicycle?!" The woman went on to say that she also recently saw The Beath return from a run no sooner than she started. "I thought maybe she forgot her walkman, but then she never left the apartment again. I was just glad she didn't get on that god damned bicycle again."

Investigators currently have leads on two possible suspects. One woman named Bertha is reported to have eaten The Beath. Investigators are urging the public to be on the lookout for this woman.

The other suspect, Sylvia, is an unidentified woman, but she has been known to make very serious threats to The Beath. The whereabouts of The Beath will continue to be investigated by the Fake Police until she is found, or until no one gives a shit anymore.